Neighbors on patrol

It started with a handmade flier taped to a road sign at the entrance of the subdivision: "Neighborhood watch meeting Tuesday 6:30 p.m." and the address.

That's all it took.

Already suspicious of a particular fellow on our street, some of our neighbors were eager to go. We were expecting guests, so we bowed out. I was curious, though. I wondered if there would be fiery torches.

Less than 24 hours later, I got the news. Apparently we were all committing a litany of sins against the Neighborhood Rules. Someone was parking his truck on the street. Two other neighbors have dogs that occasionally make an escape into the public domain, frightening the innocent, God-fearing people who just want to check the mail without losing an appendage. Someone else has an outbuilding with roof tiles that don't match those on his house. A retired couple has a driveway in the wrong place. And, worst of all, the fences are all wrong--too close to the property lines.

Yes, this is going to be a safer world now that the neighborhood watch has been implemented.

Now, I'm all for protecting our kids and elderly and the rest of us from ne'er-do-wells. And if I've learned anything from watching satellite TV in the middle of the night while feeding my baby, it's that we are not safe in suburbia. We live with the threat of everything from serial killers to flesh-eating bacteria. In Bluegrass territory, there's an added threat--mosquitos that carry diseases hefty enough to kill a horse.

Seriously, I'm as protective of my babies as the next person, and I can be just as paranoid of strange cars and strange people on our cul-de-sac. There are other things that make me take a second look and pull my eldest daughter closer to me...and wonder where I can get one of those big plastic bubbles to put her in. But the guy with the blue shingles doesn't keep me awake at night.

A year ago, I signed up for the Kentucky State Police Sex Offender Notification Network. The calls come at around 7 a.m.--just in time to wake the baby. When I first started getting the calls alerting me that a sex offender had moved into my ZIP code, I'd hustle to the computer to look at the list. I found a pretty rotten bunch--photo after photo of people convicted of preying on others. I started looking into security systems and wondered if my one trap-shooting experience would be enough to nail an intruder (I decided it was not, since my aim was rather bad).

I do appreciate well-meaning folks who just want a safe, peaceful neighborhood. I want that, too. I just hope that in this case "neighborhood watch" doesn't turn into "watch thy neighbor and note all his infractions." Somehow, I think we're already headed there.

I guess I'll get invited to one of those meetings soon, unless one of my neighbors sees this--and if they do, I have to say that someone broke into my house and forced me to write this, so stop reading now and call 911!

In the meantime, I think we'd better get our homeowner's insurance up to date and bar the windows. Something tells me there could be a lot of stones flying.